Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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