Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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