Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
