Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Couch. On fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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