before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
