**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
