There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
