Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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