started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
