i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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