we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Someone shattered a urinal.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
