He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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