How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Say something about gay babies.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
