Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize