when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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