So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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