You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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