I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
