Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
