We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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