saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize