Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
