as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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