3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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