I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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