i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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