if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
They have beer where we have blood.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
