Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
