you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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