there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drunk is not a location!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
