I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
