There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
