I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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