just tell him i said nine months
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm passing your future prison.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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