Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
