Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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