I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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