If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
