I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
