when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
