I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
