you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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