if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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