There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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