Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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