I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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