You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
