This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize