Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
