my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I touched a dick in church today
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