my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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