Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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