It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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