i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
