I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
