Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
