i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
