Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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