Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
