Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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